So I guess I'm blogging again. I used to have a blog and I'm not sure what happened to it. Those were hard times. These are hard times.

I just want to be happy.

The meds are working. The therapy is going well. I got a job and still - not happy. I thought I was happy. I really did. Everything was good and for a moment, I was happy. Not now. I'm just going through the motions. Eat 3 meals. Shower daily. Go to work and dont be late. Smile smile smile smile all the time so no one know I'm unhappy.

I think my mom knows. She tells me I look sad but I just come up with an excuse that I'm tired or ate too much or something.

I mean.. It's good I have a job. Now I can pay off my student loan and lease termination fee. I can afford to put gas in my car or save money to buy a new laptop since mine bit the dust in December.

I'm living my life, but I'm still not happy. I just got the job a few days ago and my boss expects me to know everything and be able to do everything right and know exactly what to do and when to do it. It's frustrating. He makes me feel stupid and inferior and I hate it. Well, the owner. Not my boss. My boss, Krist, is pretty cool. He's awfully nice and teaches me, but I got stuck with the owner yesterday because it was Krist's day off. The guy deserves a day off. I just wish I had the day off too. Yesterday was such a struggle. Everything kept going wrong, the system was down, the power knocked everything out, people kept calling and asking me questions that I didn't know how to answer and my boss was super frustrated as was I.

I just want to be good at my job. I want to have friends, which this job doesn't offer since I work mostly alone or with Krist.

I miss having friends. I miss going over to Caitlyn's house and just being with her and her family, which I can't do now since her mom hates me. She thinks I overdosed to get Caitlyn's attention. Oh, by the way, I overdoesed on Superbowl Sunday. Took a few too many Xanax and drank too much gin. Hotsie's (my dead grandmother's) anniversary was coming up and I couldn't face it. I just wanted to get high but I ended up in the emerbency room instead. I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric facility in Cedar Rapids. I thought I was okay when I left and then I found out I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder, handled it badly, and then went back to the hospital, this time in Waterloo. I was good-ish, well.. mostly I pretended to be good-ish and then went back to the hospital a couple weeks ago after a suicide attempt - a handful of pills. Then I was happy. I got a job working at a local AmericInn and I had everything on track. A job, I was happy, everything was right. And it still is. I just.. I don't know. I'm not happy. Maybe it's just today. I don't know.

I'll sleep it off.

Or smoke. I stole money out of my mom's wallet to buy cigarettes, how pathetic is that? I'm such a mess. I want to not be a mess, but I don't know how to be. I don't know how to be happy for more than a few days, I'm always bored, and I seem to hide is poorly.

I need to be back in school, but I don't know if that will make me happy. I want to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but once I do, will I be happy? When my life is finally "together," will I be happy then? When I have a husband/wife, kids, a home, a stable career.. will I be happy then? Will I ever be truly happy? I don't know. I mean, I'm not super depressed and suicidal anymore, but will I ever actually be happy?