Dear Kim,

I've decided to keep going to therapy. I'm not going to let one awful session ruin my whole recovery. It wasn't her fault that I had pent up feelings of frustration and anger that needed to come out. The hard fact is that I have Boderline Personality Disorder, it is part of every facet of my life, and I have to fucking deal with it. I don't want to, I want that one magical cure, and the meds have helped tremendously, but I still have so far to go. I have this massive thing that I have to deal with and I just.. I don't want to. I want it to completely go away with a pill and that's not how it works.

Anyway, I'm moving on and continuing with therapy and it's going to be hard and I'm going to hate parts of it but that's what it's going to take for me to get better.

I've also come to terms with the fact that my job means working alone. Did I ever tell you I'm scared of being alone/abandoned? I am, terriblly. I'm also scared of the dark like a big baby. At first, working here was super hard. Imagine being the only person (not really, but it feels that way) in this massive building and there are a ton of windows and at night it's all dark outside and it terrified me. I took a lot of Vistaril those first days alone. Now, though, it's better. I've come to terms with it and I just had to work through my fear. I am still scared of the dark and of being alone, but not at the hotel anymore. I feel safe here, which is a nice thing to have.

I still haven't heard from Chris. I miss him. I miss him terribly. The last time we talked I was in the hospital and he was irritated about something and I just wish I had known it was the last time we would talk. I liked him a lot. I thought so much all the time about breaking up with him, concocting hundreds of ways it wouldn't work out or that we should be with other people or god knows what. I spent hours upon hours imagining breaking up with him, that he (or I) deserved better and that it wasn't meant to be. But now that I've lost him, I realize I miss him. We had a really good thing going. Maybe it wasn't perfect, he was kind of hard to talk to, but he was a good boyfriend. I don't think I loved him or anything, but I did like him quite a bit and I wish he hadn't disappeared.

La ti da. What else. Not a whole helluva lot is going on. I'm at work (again) blogging to you (again) and doing (even more) laundry. I'm currently taking one of my breaks from the laundry because there's not a whole lot else to do around here. I could go clean, but I don't really feel up to it right now. There's nothing to clean, really.

Last night I could not fall asleep, I kept having bits of stories pop up into my head. I should gotten up to write them down but I just wrestled with them in my head for a while before I could finally fall asleep. I think I should be a writer, maybe someday, not sure. I love writing, obviously (looks around the blog) I do, but who knows. I don't know if I'm up for it. It takes a lot to be a writer. Lots of committment and you know me, committmentphobe all the way. It's a miracle I made it 2 months with Chris, that's how bad I am at committing. (Keep in mind I've been -committed- Lol. I still think it's funny.)

I kind of miss being in the hospital with the other crazy people. I loved it there. If only the walls were thicker and the rooms were singles instead of double.  You could never be totally alone there. That's why I loved talking on the phone, you could actually be alone in the phone booth.

I remember once when I completely lost it the day before I was supposed to go home. I couldn't find a quiet place in the entire wing. There were people in my room talking that I didn't want to kick out, the TV room and the reading room were occupied. The dining area had all sorts of people talking and making noise and there was nowhere quiet to go. I asked one of the nurses if I could sit in one of the meeting rooms and was promptly told to go find "my" nurse, who was off doing god-knows-what and I frigging lost it. I just sat down in the hallway and started bawling my eyes out because I just wanted somewhere quiet to run away to and there was so much noise I couldn't handle it. I sat there sobbing for about 5 minutes before anyone stopped to notice and then ran and got my nurse and she scolded me for sitting in the hallway, seriously. I wanted to scream at her, but it wasn't exactly her fault, so I didn't. She went and kicked the people out of my room and I laid in bed and breathed deeply for about 2 minutes and then I was fine. My roommate felt bad for having people in there, but I insisted it wasn't her fault and we just sat there and talked for a while.

Good. Times.


Anyway, I love you. You should make me another video.

Love,
Alexandra