Dear Kim,

I've realized that the reason I miss Chris is far beyond my liking of him. I want stability and reliability. I want someone in my corner, someone to count on, someone to love and to love me back. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, because my scariest fear is ending up alone. I know I'm only 18 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me, but I'm scared. I'm scared no one is ever going to love me as much as I love them.

Chris did. Chris cared about me just as much if not more than I cared about him. I could lean on him. I could call him when I was upset or happy or anything, any emotion, any time.  He was there for me and now he's gone. Everyone leaves me and I'ms cared that this was just his way of leaving me. That maybe someone ridiculous part of me is entirely unloavable and he bailed.

I'm scared Kim, I'm scared I'm never going to find what you and Treavor have. I'm scared I'm going to keep falling in love and no one is ever going to fall back. That's a hard thing to admit for me.

I miss Cameron. It's silly and unrealistic, but it's true. I miss him tremendously. He loved me, I really do believe that. I think so, anyway, I could be wrong. Who knows.

I just wish I would find someone. Someone who actually loves me and isn't going to leave. I want to get married one day. I want to be able to count on someone. I want someone to raise kids with and to have a live with. I want to start a family that doesn't end in divorce. I want someone to grow old with, to experience life and all of its misgivings.

Anyway. That's that. I also look at every new person as a potential romantic interest. I just do. My boss for example, we're becomings really good friends. But I still see him as a maybe. People like you I've formed a friendship with and I have no romantic interest. Now though, at this point in my life, I look at everyone like they might be the one. I see Krist (my boss) as a maybe. I see the guy I work with (Roderick) as a maybe. Moreso Krist. He's funny and kind and we get along really well. He has a girlfriend, but they've only been together a few months. I dunno. It's weird and socially unacceptable, but it's how I think.

I just want to be happy, Kim. I'm so sick of pieces being missing from my life. There's the dad piece, and the Hotsie piece, the Monica and Cameron pieces. There's the you piece and the Caitlyn piece, and I have you guys, but you're not here. That's better than not being there at all. I was missing the happy and calm pieces, but I found those. I need the school piece and the career piece and the love piece. I am done with pieces missing. I want my puzzle to be finished so that I can admire it instead of crawling all over the floor and looking under the couch for missing metaphorical pieces.

In other news, I lost my vibrator. SOMEHOW, it seems I got high, ahem, used it, and then put it in some unknown location. I cannot find it and I have looked everywhere. It's ridiculous.

Love,
Alexandra