Dear Kim,

I've realized that the reason I miss Chris is far beyond my liking of him. I want stability and reliability. I want someone in my corner, someone to count on, someone to love and to love me back. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, because my scariest fear is ending up alone. I know I'm only 18 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me, but I'm scared. I'm scared no one is ever going to love me as much as I love them.

Chris did. Chris cared about me just as much if not more than I cared about him. I could lean on him. I could call him when I was upset or happy or anything, any emotion, any time.  He was there for me and now he's gone. Everyone leaves me and I'ms cared that this was just his way of leaving me. That maybe someone ridiculous part of me is entirely unloavable and he bailed.

I'm scared Kim, I'm scared I'm never going to find what you and Treavor have. I'm scared I'm going to keep falling in love and no one is ever going to fall back. That's a hard thing to admit for me.

I miss Cameron. It's silly and unrealistic, but it's true. I miss him tremendously. He loved me, I really do believe that. I think so, anyway, I could be wrong. Who knows.

I just wish I would find someone. Someone who actually loves me and isn't going to leave. I want to get married one day. I want to be able to count on someone. I want someone to raise kids with and to have a live with. I want to start a family that doesn't end in divorce. I want someone to grow old with, to experience life and all of its misgivings.

Anyway. That's that. I also look at every new person as a potential romantic interest. I just do. My boss for example, we're becomings really good friends. But I still see him as a maybe. People like you I've formed a friendship with and I have no romantic interest. Now though, at this point in my life, I look at everyone like they might be the one. I see Krist (my boss) as a maybe. I see the guy I work with (Roderick) as a maybe. Moreso Krist. He's funny and kind and we get along really well. He has a girlfriend, but they've only been together a few months. I dunno. It's weird and socially unacceptable, but it's how I think.

I just want to be happy, Kim. I'm so sick of pieces being missing from my life. There's the dad piece, and the Hotsie piece, the Monica and Cameron pieces. There's the you piece and the Caitlyn piece, and I have you guys, but you're not here. That's better than not being there at all. I was missing the happy and calm pieces, but I found those. I need the school piece and the career piece and the love piece. I am done with pieces missing. I want my puzzle to be finished so that I can admire it instead of crawling all over the floor and looking under the couch for missing metaphorical pieces.

In other news, I lost my vibrator. SOMEHOW, it seems I got high, ahem, used it, and then put it in some unknown location. I cannot find it and I have looked everywhere. It's ridiculous.

Love,
Alexandra

Dear Kim,

It's been a few days since I've last written to you. Not a whole lot has changed.

It's Tulip Time, which is this huge festival in our town. The tulips are everywhere, usually in full bloom, and there's all sorts of parades and food and it's fun. Only this year it is bitterly cold and snowy and stupid because it is MAY not January and it should not be snowing but I digress. I'm sick of the snow. I want 70 degree days with sunshine and kids playing and birds singing.

I have moved to a place in my life where my brain isn't gray and cold and rainy, but the sun is shining and I want the weather to reflect that.

Everything is pretty good. I've decided I really like my job, so that's cool. It's nice that I can enjoy coming to work everyday and I know what I'm doing now.

I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm trying to think of things I'm good at and things that are actually careers and I'm coming up pretty short. I like to talk and write and read, so I know I should probably be an English or Communication Studies major. I'm good at communicating to people and sharing ideas, so maybe a communcations major and an English minor? I don't know. And even then, what the hell do I do after college. I can't get paid to talk to people.

I'm kind of really stressed about it, actually. I need to get my life together but I don't know how to do that when I have no idea what I want my life to be like.

I miss Chris. Ugh. This is the worst. I had him, Kim. I had him and then he literally disappeared. I LANDED A GREAT FUCKING GUY AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE HE LEFT ME OR ANYTHING, HE JUST DISAPPEARED. (To all of you out there who are confused by my shouty capitals, my LDR boyfriend's phone got disconnected and I haven't heard from him in weeks and I have no other way to communicate with him.)

Why? Why do I finally meet a good guy and then this happens? Why? It's not even like we broke up. We had a good thing going and then he's gone. It's not like he'd dead or lost or in trouble or in desperate need of help, he's just gone. He's somewhere up in Cedar Rapids and we have no way to get a hold of each other. It's annoying and stupid and I hate it.

Anyway. How are you? How is everything?

I finally got a hold of Ashley. She's done with school and moving home for the summer and it's good to finally talk to her again. She's been so busy  that we practically haven't talked in weeks. It sucks because I have all of this free time and my friends are all scattered and busy and don't live in Pella, Iowa. It'd be so much easier if you all just lived in Pella and I could see you all.

I especially miss Caitlyn. She's my best friend and I never get to see or talk to her and she's off in Ames making new best friends and it just sucks. I miss her. She's my person like Treavor is your person. I can't live without her and it sucks that she's not here.

I just miss a lot of people. I miss you and Ash and Caitlyn and Chris, but I miss more people. I miss everyone all at once. I miss Cameron and Brian and Pat, people I've loved. I miss friends like Sami and Katy and Myanna that I never got to form close friendships with.

I just have too many feels tonight.

Anyway, I love you. Make me moar videoz.

Love,
Alexandra